I'm such a bitch.

My humor - especially in places like the dentist's chair - is pretty dry and can be sarcastic. But I also have an aversion to useless chitchat. So when the dental assistant (a new one, one I'd never met before) said, "So, how was your weekend?" I just looked at her and replied "Would it make any difference to you if it was great? or if it was horrible?"

Fortunately she didn't stick me with a sharp instrument.

So this morning I arrived at 7:55 and they got me in right away. Nicer than the 18-minute wait last week. Dr Bryant came in and said he was going to take some pictures. Ugh. I hate having my picture taken on the best of days. But with retractors holding my mouth out of the way (oh the indignity) -- I had to actually hold the retractors, which are just wire or plastic (I had both, for some reason) things that hook onto the sides of your mouth and pull it out of the way. I think he took about a dozen pictures, two while I was performing the feat of holding the retractors AND balancing a mirror on my tongue.

What am I, a circus act?

Then he said he was going to measure my skull. I told him he didn't need to, that I knew it was an "extra large". But he wasn't going for it. The skull measuring contraption actually requires a screwdriver. Now if you've ever been in the dentist's chair and you hear him murmur "I need to find a screwdriver", well, you can tell him it's probably with the pliers that he's going to use to pull all the teeth out at some point.

But I digress.

Oy, look at this. And who says dentists arent' sadists?

But I continue to digress.

The skull measuring device is so dignified! It's this huge metal contraption with things that stick in your ears and God knows what all. Not particularly painful, but you sit there and imagine what you must look like and you just know the reason the assistant is constantly leaving the room is so she can burst out laughing!

Dr. Bryant seems enamoured of all his little tools and contraptions. Which is fine, he's a guy with gadgets (this is why our dental bills are so high).

OK, what else...wax impressions, plaster impressions, measurements of those hideous periodontal pockets -- some of them were so deep you could pack groceries in 'em. Some of them weren't so bad...some 2's and 3's in there among the 8's and 9's.

It all took an hour, was uncomfortable, there was a little blood when he was measuring the pockets with his sharp instrument (can't the measure with something a little less barbaric???), and then he told me to come back in a week or so to discuss the treatment plan.

I told him about the shingles. He seemed to be vaguely interested, but not enough to make a "note on my chart". My chart is probably already filled up with notes like "difficult patient" and "asks too many questions".

The anxiety was less this time, I'm happy to report. I do feel a little more in control, despite the medieval torture perpetrated on me this morning. What I want is this: deep cleaning, scaling, planing (with sedation if possible, but at a minimum I want to be completely numb); Emdogain treatment for bone regeneration; braces; whitening.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.